My mind feels clouded, liked there are big dark clouds covering any trace of happiness that I once felt. I feel lost and hopeless and completely alone. I compare myself to a broken clock, I am broken and cannot be fixed, I am on a shelf gathering dust watching the world move on in front of me while I sit broken. Those around me don’t understand how hard it is for me, they tell me ‘go watch a dvd or something’ or ‘go watch tv, take your mind off it’. I think to myself how can I do these things when my mind is in meltdown? I have zero motivation to even move from my bed where I have spent the last hour, day or at times week.
Sometimes I can get to a point where I know I need help and reach out for it…but no one reaches back to get me. It makes me question everything, every relationship in my life to family or friends… whether it’s my fault that they don’t help me, what did I do to not make them care enough to help..
The hours pass… I am wide awake as the world around me sleeps… I know I should take the medication to help, but what is the point? Pills cannot solve everything! They are a temporary realise from this constant battle I fight every day. I watch those I use to know move on with their lives and I question everything about mine, wondering how of why I am not moving on with mine? All these questions and I can feel the volcanic eruption inside of me… the anxiety is rising reaching its danger point, pulse racing, throat getting tight unable to breath!
Will I ever get rid of this living nightmare? No. It is not something I can just get rid of, it is something I will have for life and the only real solution? Pills…those little white things that are given to me by the doctor that is supposed to make it go away.
Another colourless day in my stormy world, the world continues to turn the hours slip away and I sit motionless unable to reach out to do anything, to even take care of myself personally, I just want this to go away. It’s like a permanent sadness that sits in my head refusing to go no matter how hard I try to push it away so I give up and let it stay because I am simply too tired to fight it. What is the point? Those miracle days where I can make it go away and feel that rare sweet release are for nothing as a day or so later the sadness settles back in my mind, like it never left.
Depression is a serious mental illness that affects many people like me. It is not something we can ‘just get over’ it is a daily struggle even to do the very basic things. If you have someone in your life who has depression, be there for them. Comfort them, learn about depression and research what you can do to help.
See this guide to help https://www.helpguide.org/articles/depression/helping-someone-with-depression.htm
Please, don’t ignore it, it is the worst thing anyone can do. Help them to help themselves, we cannot do it alone.